I'm Ready

I want to actually feel something.

Everything seems so detached-- like nothing's actually real.

It's like you're walking but you have no destination. Like you're reaching out, trying to grab onto something-- anything. I don't think right now is real. I'm confused. I'm thinking, I'm breathing, I feel the air against my skin...

...but I just don't feel it feel it. 

Oh gosh, I sound so delusional, crazy. But I just want to feel something, an emotion, maybe, that's so strong it would fill up my whole being for a moment. It becomes my reality even for just a second. Just enough for me to remember that moment when I'm drunk and high of emotions that every part, cell, and atom in me feels it.

And I'm ready. I'm ready to open up to the world and accept all the possibilities.

I'm ready.

Random Thought 101

We're all angry at hypocrites but I think everyone's been a hypocrite (at some point in their life).

Changeling

Today, after class, I went to the mall and went inside a bookstore, trying to find a good read.

I went to my favorite section of the bookstore, the teen fiction books, and went over the books once, twice, thrice. I found myself bookless and disinterested with the genre. I found myself not even remotely interested in any of the books, from romance to my all time favorite sci-fi. I used to love looking over these books and trying to think of waaaays to get them. What changed?

Then I found myself going to literary winners and classics and general fiction and I realized how much have changed with the way I think. I cringe at the touch of romance books and teen fiction books. I find myself wanting to read more of the heavy stuff and more in tune with reality.

I have probably let go of the little fantasies in my head about love and life (though, not all).

Not so long ago, I considered myself alike with most of the girls, wishing to find some guy to fill my fantasies but now, I only wish to have a companion whom I can talk to about random things (even the geeky ones) but most importantly, the wild and outrageous conspiracies or theories that has been and I think will keep on bothering me. Just someone to have coffee or tea with in the afternoon and not have awkward silence with.

But I'm not in a hurry. I've been enjoying time with myself.

I feel like I'm slowly starting to grasp who I am again. At least now, I can have a short concrete lists of things I'm sure I like.

I'm happy to be able to find time to love myself.

Someone I Used To Know

I used to know someone I loved. That someone was me.

Me, being so great at procrastination, started stalking through my old FB posts. It's a rollercoaster full of emotions, seeing how I think now and how I used to think back then.

I noticed that my posts nowadays are self-conscious and aware, mostly thought of for a whole lot of time before deciding to actually post it whereas when you go further into the posts, it becomes carefree and waaaaay positive.

It made me think of how I've become so negative with everything around me. When did I actually start self-pitying and detaching myself? The word I actually used first was "deteriorating" because at this rate I'm going, I don't really like the near future I see. I've become so much more skeptical and I'm not so sure if that's even a good thing anymore.

I kind of envy the old me. I feel like I was such a happy-go-luck and carefree person back then. I could usually talk to just anyone without being conscious of how I look and how they perceive me. Now, it just kind of gives me the chills whenever I have to talk to someone I rarely know and hide away in my own little shell where I can enjoy my awesomeness alone. I know it's a hurdle I have to get over soon.

It's funny how I should actually be more of my old self right now to face the future and not be so afraid of everything. But isn't it normal to grow more afraid through time? The more you understand, the more frightening it gets.

I'm even scared of admitting I'm scared. God, that endless painful struggle of life.

I miss being a kid. I miss being ignorant. I miss not having to think about what everybody else thinks and just mind my own thoughts.

Sigh.

I know who I am and I know who I was.

And I just want to be who I used to be. Even just a little shadow, a small portion would be enough.

Trimming Down

Today I learned one valuable thing: you should always pick your good friends and never let them go.

I had the chance of meeting some of my high school friends today and although I'm usually not hyped up for things like this (because apparently I have become too antisocial lately, which also explains why I've been ignoring this blog and just keeping to myself in my isolated corner and playing NDS games all day), I was excited. I guess because I've been searching for good company for so long now that I wanted to just go out and be with old friends.

I missed the feeling of getting to talk about a lot of things without bullshit and drama. I don't want to think about what I'm going to wear because I know they won't judge me whatever I look like. Whether I look pretty or ugly today, they're the friends who'd still go "You're so pretty today. Let's have a selfie."

And after all the random talks today, I realised that they're the kind of people I should surround myself with. I don't need a lot of friends. I just need those who would love me for who I am, for what I wear, for what I say. I just need those who would lift me up and make me happy.

So I'm trimming down to those important few who have a hold in my heart.

Who Are YOU Living For?

Life is a series of choices that determine who you are. You decide depending on your views on society. Who would benefit from your choices? When given a choice, who do you think would be affected first?

I've somehow realized that all through my life, my mindset has always been to make the people I love happy. I conform to whatever they want me to be because I want them to accept and and love me the way I love them. Then, after a while, I also realized that that's actually sad-- living to satisfy other people around you.

I know that the purpose of life differs for everyone but it's obvious that almost everyone lives in such a way that they do things to help other people, especially their family... but isn't your life your own? Isn't it supposed to be controlled by you, and you alone? Aren't the people around you just there to help and guide you? So why are we putting so much pressure unto ourselves to reach their expectations? Why are we trying so hard to be what we aren't just to be accepted in a society where people believe no one is perfect but still, everyone tries to be?

Is free will only just a facade?

I've been beating and beating myself up because I'm always disappointed with myself. I'm always disappointed because the things I do don't actually make me praiseworthy. I'm always disappointed because I feel as though the people who are supposed to make me feel worth it even if I'm batshit only make me feel so if I've done something great and beneficial.

We shouldn't be living like this. I shouldn't be living like this.

I should wake up and be strong, for myself and not for others. Myself is my only solitude. Inside me is my only sanctuary. I should stop conforming to whatever other people think is best for me and do things the way I want them to be. I should do what makes me happy. I should read whatever interests me. I should watch whatever intrigues me. I should study whatever I want to learn about.

I won't let anyone tell me what to do with my life. I won't let anyone tell me how to live.

I should and I will start living for myself.

Because in the end, after all the shit I've gone through and will be facing, I'm the only one I have.

Para Kay P

I know I shouldn't...


but I still do.

Your name comes up on my news feed and even though I know I shouldn't I still go ahead and enable my stalker moves. I go and open your page and scroll and scroll and scroll and eventually end up staring at your profile pictures. Oh dear Lord, I know I shouldn't because I hate myself after every single time.

Up until now, however, I never could muster up the courage to just unfollow your posts. Why did I even have to add you on that social networking site in the first place?

I'm admitting it: you're that one big regret.

I have no idea why I just can't let it go. God, I'm hopeless. Really.

In the words of Sarah Geronimo and Coco Martin (or the movie's scriptwriter), "there was never an us", SO WHY THE HELL AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE IDEA THAT THERE COULD'VE BEEN AN US?

Could've, should've, would've. What ifs and what nots. I hate it and I hate myself for knowing it's wrong and I should help myself but... yeah. I know it's my fault there was never an us, I'm to blame in the first place and maybe that's why I can't let it go-- because I know it was me who was wrong all along.

Yes, it's been roughly 8 years and I'm still not over going through all the scenarios in my head if everything happened in a different light. I should change that. I should man up and tell myself that it's not going to happen. Ever. I should give myself a good slap in the face for being so stupid, then and now. I should move on because I know, deep inside, that it's impossible. You're the one that got away. You will always be the one that got away.

So, I'm getting my shit together and I'm unfollowing you on that social networking site. (I know I should unfriend you but let's leave that for next time, after I level up and gain experience for courage).

I'm still sorry about everything, you know that. I told you that already. After all of this, maybe if it's the right time, maybe by chance, we'll meet again and start again. Hopefully, with wiser heads and stronger hearts.