Para Kay P

I know I shouldn't...


but I still do.

Your name comes up on my news feed and even though I know I shouldn't I still go ahead and enable my stalker moves. I go and open your page and scroll and scroll and scroll and eventually end up staring at your profile pictures. Oh dear Lord, I know I shouldn't because I hate myself after every single time.

Up until now, however, I never could muster up the courage to just unfollow your posts. Why did I even have to add you on that social networking site in the first place?

I'm admitting it: you're that one big regret.

I have no idea why I just can't let it go. God, I'm hopeless. Really.

In the words of Sarah Geronimo and Coco Martin (or the movie's scriptwriter), "there was never an us", SO WHY THE HELL AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE IDEA THAT THERE COULD'VE BEEN AN US?

Could've, should've, would've. What ifs and what nots. I hate it and I hate myself for knowing it's wrong and I should help myself but... yeah. I know it's my fault there was never an us, I'm to blame in the first place and maybe that's why I can't let it go-- because I know it was me who was wrong all along.

Yes, it's been roughly 8 years and I'm still not over going through all the scenarios in my head if everything happened in a different light. I should change that. I should man up and tell myself that it's not going to happen. Ever. I should give myself a good slap in the face for being so stupid, then and now. I should move on because I know, deep inside, that it's impossible. You're the one that got away. You will always be the one that got away.

So, I'm getting my shit together and I'm unfollowing you on that social networking site. (I know I should unfriend you but let's leave that for next time, after I level up and gain experience for courage).

I'm still sorry about everything, you know that. I told you that already. After all of this, maybe if it's the right time, maybe by chance, we'll meet again and start again. Hopefully, with wiser heads and stronger hearts.

Falling Out Of Love

Okay, I fooled you.

This post isn't about the romantic kind of love if that's what you're searching for, rather, it's about falling in friend love with someone and falling out of love with the friendship as I'm sure everyone's experienced before.

Having a friend is a great experience, you do a lot of things with them and share your thoughts on things with each other, no matter how quirky that thought may be. You realize that the things you have in common only strengthen the bond and somehow, you've fallen in love with the thought of having someone constant in your life. You've fallen in love with the friendship, no eekie lovey dovey stuff, just pure and innocent friendship.

But sadly, people change. You wake up one day suddenly in love with another thought and find the posters in your room not to your liking anymore and change them. You find that what once was your favorite food now smelled pungent and undesirable. You find the songs you used listen to everyday become boring and scrap all your playlists to download new ones. And after all these changes, you find yourself drifting away from that someone you've fallen in friend love with; slowly disregarding talking with them everyday, ignoring their tweets, stopped badgering them with random text messages and you don't even feel guilty about it. What's more is when they're the ones who start pummeling you with messages, you don't feel as happy and elated before but quite annoyed.

Over the series of years you've spent here on Earth, you suddenly realize this phenomenon hasn't only happened to you once but a lot of times. Sometimes, you regret letting the friendship fall apart, but most of the time, you just go "meh" and move on with your life.

But it's never going to be the same, really.

You also fell in love with the thought of having someone around with you all the time and feeling secure. That you would have someone to share idle time with and don't feel awkward with whenever there's silence. You were holding onto the fact that when you need someone to listen to your seemingly senseless problems, they would be there no matter what. You, in fact, were trying to keep it together while all the while, slowly losing your faith in that person-- feeling left out and unwanted.

After all that pent up feeling, you start to let go. You start accepting the friendship that was falling apart. You start to stop giving a shit about it and give up trying to keep the friendship going. You don't mind the long days, weeks, months that go by without talking to each other. You don't mind going to places with someone else. You revel in the thought of finding someone else to be by your side. And slowly, you start to realize that you've fallen out of love with that person and started falling in love with another.

Losing it

I'm lost.

I acknowledge it.

It's funny how you think when you get older, you grow wiser and just learn more about yourself. So how did it happen that as I get older, I'm slowly losing myself and having a hard time picking out the things that I know I love?

I used to love a lot of things and stick to them. Stick to different hobbies that make me happy, and for a fact, I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Somehow, along the way, I lost parts of myself. I used to be so determined and fought for what I wanted when right now, I don't even know where to go and what path to take.

We credit ourselves as people who know what their purpose is in life when a large part of our lives is dedicated into finding what we're comfortable with.

A lot of thoughts tumbling through my mind and I don't know how to organize them. Sometimes,  I don't even want to organize them. I just want to lie down and push important things aside but honestly, it troubles me deeply because I'm somewhere where I'm not sure of myself. I know that I shouldn't be living like this especially when I know that time is essential but... I don't know.

I'm growing afraid-- afraid of the future. I used to look forward to it so much. I'm afraid that the choices I made were not the best ones but I know that I can't do anything about it now and I should be making changes for myself.

How do you lose yourself along the way?  Shouldn't growing up mean unraveling the mysteries of life?

But that's just it, isn't it? You unravel truths but also stumble upon new mysteries every single day of your life. I guess the question shouldn't be about how you lost yourself but how you'll find yourself again.

So here I am, challenging myself to learn the art of letting go and go through an adventure, looking for who I am.