Someone I Used To Know

I used to know someone I loved. That someone was me.

Me, being so great at procrastination, started stalking through my old FB posts. It's a rollercoaster full of emotions, seeing how I think now and how I used to think back then.

I noticed that my posts nowadays are self-conscious and aware, mostly thought of for a whole lot of time before deciding to actually post it whereas when you go further into the posts, it becomes carefree and waaaaay positive.

It made me think of how I've become so negative with everything around me. When did I actually start self-pitying and detaching myself? The word I actually used first was "deteriorating" because at this rate I'm going, I don't really like the near future I see. I've become so much more skeptical and I'm not so sure if that's even a good thing anymore.

I kind of envy the old me. I feel like I was such a happy-go-luck and carefree person back then. I could usually talk to just anyone without being conscious of how I look and how they perceive me. Now, it just kind of gives me the chills whenever I have to talk to someone I rarely know and hide away in my own little shell where I can enjoy my awesomeness alone. I know it's a hurdle I have to get over soon.

It's funny how I should actually be more of my old self right now to face the future and not be so afraid of everything. But isn't it normal to grow more afraid through time? The more you understand, the more frightening it gets.

I'm even scared of admitting I'm scared. God, that endless painful struggle of life.

I miss being a kid. I miss being ignorant. I miss not having to think about what everybody else thinks and just mind my own thoughts.

Sigh.

I know who I am and I know who I was.

And I just want to be who I used to be. Even just a little shadow, a small portion would be enough.

Trimming Down

Today I learned one valuable thing: you should always pick your good friends and never let them go.

I had the chance of meeting some of my high school friends today and although I'm usually not hyped up for things like this (because apparently I have become too antisocial lately, which also explains why I've been ignoring this blog and just keeping to myself in my isolated corner and playing NDS games all day), I was excited. I guess because I've been searching for good company for so long now that I wanted to just go out and be with old friends.

I missed the feeling of getting to talk about a lot of things without bullshit and drama. I don't want to think about what I'm going to wear because I know they won't judge me whatever I look like. Whether I look pretty or ugly today, they're the friends who'd still go "You're so pretty today. Let's have a selfie."

And after all the random talks today, I realised that they're the kind of people I should surround myself with. I don't need a lot of friends. I just need those who would love me for who I am, for what I wear, for what I say. I just need those who would lift me up and make me happy.

So I'm trimming down to those important few who have a hold in my heart.

Who Are YOU Living For?

Life is a series of choices that determine who you are. You decide depending on your views on society. Who would benefit from your choices? When given a choice, who do you think would be affected first?

I've somehow realized that all through my life, my mindset has always been to make the people I love happy. I conform to whatever they want me to be because I want them to accept and and love me the way I love them. Then, after a while, I also realized that that's actually sad-- living to satisfy other people around you.

I know that the purpose of life differs for everyone but it's obvious that almost everyone lives in such a way that they do things to help other people, especially their family... but isn't your life your own? Isn't it supposed to be controlled by you, and you alone? Aren't the people around you just there to help and guide you? So why are we putting so much pressure unto ourselves to reach their expectations? Why are we trying so hard to be what we aren't just to be accepted in a society where people believe no one is perfect but still, everyone tries to be?

Is free will only just a facade?

I've been beating and beating myself up because I'm always disappointed with myself. I'm always disappointed because the things I do don't actually make me praiseworthy. I'm always disappointed because I feel as though the people who are supposed to make me feel worth it even if I'm batshit only make me feel so if I've done something great and beneficial.

We shouldn't be living like this. I shouldn't be living like this.

I should wake up and be strong, for myself and not for others. Myself is my only solitude. Inside me is my only sanctuary. I should stop conforming to whatever other people think is best for me and do things the way I want them to be. I should do what makes me happy. I should read whatever interests me. I should watch whatever intrigues me. I should study whatever I want to learn about.

I won't let anyone tell me what to do with my life. I won't let anyone tell me how to live.

I should and I will start living for myself.

Because in the end, after all the shit I've gone through and will be facing, I'm the only one I have.